Let’s start by naming what’s really going on. Many ex-Witnesses are, in a sense, socially stunted… and I don’t say that as an insult, but as a simple observation. From childhood, our social environment was carefully controlled. We were taught that “bad associations spoil useful habits,” meaning that non-Witnesses were spiritually dangerous even morally corrupt. This conditioning seeps deep into your subconscious. Even years after leaving, you may still feel uneasy around “worldly” people. You might second-guess their motives, or feel like an outsider looking in. It’s not just shyness; it’s the residue of years of social separation.

On top of that, Witness life tends to distort how you perceive relationships in general. Within the organisation, friendships were often conditional — based on your standing with Jehovah or your “spiritual maturity”. Love and belonging were earned through conformity. So, when you try to make friends in the real world, you might expect rejection the moment you reveal your true self, or you might struggle to trust that people will like you just for who you are.

It can be a heavy psychological burden to carry into new relationships, but it’s one that can be overcome.

Social Skills are like training a Muscle

Think of your ability to connect with others like a muscle that hasn’t been used in years. It’s weak from lack of practice. So when you first start socialising with people in the real world, it may feel awkward or forced. You might overthink every word you say or replay conversations later, cringing at something minor. That’s normal. The goal isn’t to be instantly interesting and the life and soul of the party, or to “say the right thing”. The goal is to train that social muscle, to practise small acts of connection without any pressure or making a big deal about it. Many ex-Witnesses put enormous expectations on themselves: “I need to make new friends quickly,” or “I should be over this by now.” But friendship is something that grows naturally over time. You can’t rush it. You can’t skip to the “deep connection” part without first going through the small, slightly awkward stages of acquaintance and casual chat. So, take it slow. There’s no race. Think of this as learning a new life skill, one that will serve you for the rest of your life.

Getting Out of the Cycle of Isolation

Here’s a trap that catches a lot of people — not just ex-Witnesses, but anyone dealing with loneliness:

“I don’t go out because I have no friends. But I can’t make friends because I don’t go out.”

Breaking that cycle means doing something that feels counterintuitive: getting out there before you feel ready. You don’t need to head to a nightclub or throw yourself into a crowd of strangers. Just start by being around people — in small, manageable ways. Go for a walk through a busy park. Sit in a café instead of eating lunch at home. Visit a local library, art class, or gym. Attend a community event or a talk that sounds interesting. These moments don’t have to lead anywhere specific. The goal isn’t to make a friend that day, the goal is to (re)enter the social world, to be in the flow of human life again. Every time you step outside your comfort zone, even a little, you’re retraining your brain to see social connection as safe and normal, and that cumulative exposure slowly rewires the sense of fear or awkwardness left behind by years of isolation.

One of the most effective, easy yet underestimated, social skills is simply making small talk. For me, as a British person, small talk is a way of everyday life, and has been for every Brit raised here but maybe it’s not as common where you’re from. As Witnesses, casual conversations with non-members in the store or in passing were tools for witnessing, not genuine human exchange, so many of us were never taught how to just chat for the sake of it. But casual conversation is actually one of the most powerful ways to re-enter social life. It’s not about impressing anyone or achieving a goal, it’s about enjoying the present moment and connecting, however briefly, with another human being. So, the next time you’re out shopping, try making friendly small talk with the cashier. Comment about the song that might be playing in the coffee-shop (if you’re in a coffee shop!), comment on the weather, or joke lightly about something you’re buying. When you’re out jogging or walking, smile and nod to people you pass, make casual observations to others in queues, at work, or on public transport. Each of these tiny moments builds confidence not because they lead directly to friendships, but because they remind your nervous system that interacting with people can be light, fun, and safe.

And that’s key: have no end goal in mind. Don’t pressure yourself to get a phone number, make a friend, or turn it into anything more, just enjoy interacting. The rest follows naturally.

Another approach is to take a class in something that interests you; cooking, art, photography, dance, yoga, pottery - whatever. As well as learning a new skill; you’re creating opportunities to casually talk to people over time. In my case, I attended an art class. At the break, I’d make a point of going around the room, complimenting other people’s work, joking about how bad mine was, or asking how they achieved a certain effect. Over the weeks, familiar faces became friends, not through effort, but simply by being casual, engaging and making my presence gently known.

If you’re working, your job can actually be one of the easiest places to begin reconnecting socially. Many workplaces host after-work drinks, team-building events, or lunch outings. For someone raised as a Witness, these things might have once seemed “worldly” or inappropriate, but in reality, they’re ordinary opportunities to bond with your colleagues on a human level. You don’t have to drink alcohol or stay out late, just showing up, even for an hour, signals openness. Laugh at a few jokes, share a story, and thank people for inviting you. And if you’re not working right now, volunteering is another wonderful way to meet kind, community-minded people. It also helps shift your focus away from your own loneliness and towards contributing to something meaningful — which in itself can be incredibly healing.

Connecting Online (But Carefully)

The internet can be both a lifeline and a trap. Used wisely, it’s an incredible tool for reconnecting with the real world and finding others who understand what you’ve been through. Reddit’s exJW community, for instance, are full of people at different stages of recovery and different levels of the organisation - there Bethelites, elders, even circuit overseers on there who are awake but can’t leave for various reasons. Many of whom are open to chatting, meeting, or supporting each other through the process of rebuilding a social life. Outside of JW stuff, you can also use platforms like Discord, Facebook Groups, or X (Twitter) to connect around hobbies or topics you care about: art, gaming, mental health, books, or travel. When I woke up in 2016 it was mainly Facebook and lesser known forums. But since then the internet has exploded with social media and video channels.

The key thing is balance. Online connections can be powerful, especially when you’re feeling isolated, but don’t let them replace face-to-face interaction entirely. Think of them as a bridge, a way to practise communication, (vent if necessary) and build confidence before taking those connections into the real world.

However, that that inner critic is just an old echo of control, a leftover from years of conditional love. Real friendship starts when you begin to believe you’re worthy of it, without needing to earn it. (In fact, I would argue that as a former cult member you’re instantly the most interesting person in the room. Another article/video coming up on that soon).

Simple self-care practices: journalling, therapy, mindfulness, or even daily affirmations can help rebuild your internal sense of safety. As you start liking yourself more, you’ll naturally become more open to others.

Forcing Yourself to Show Up

There will be days when you simply don’t feel like going out, talking, or engaging even when you know it would be good for you. That’s okay, but try to do it anyway. Push through the inertia, even just a little.

My personal motto is:

“At the very least, it’ll be an experience.”

You never regret showing up. Even if the event isn’t amazing, even if no lifelong friendships are formed, you still grow from it. You’ll have a story, a memory, a small expansion of your comfort zone, and that’s how life rebuilds itself — one experience at a time.

One last thing — it’s worth redefining what friendship actually is.

As Witnesses, friendship was presented as this all-or-nothing concept: either someone was “in the truth” and therefore safe, or they were “worldly” and therefore off-limits, but in reality, human relationships exist on a spectrum. You can have deep friends, casual friends, work friends, gym friends, or friendly neighbours. Not every connection has to be profound to be valuable. Some friendships will grow naturally into something meaningful; others will stay light and situational. Both have their place. The important thing is to stay open to all of it and to let life surprise you.

Rebuilding your social world after leaving Jehovah’s Witnesses isn’t a quick process, but it’s one of the most rewarding parts of recovery. Each small interaction is growth, and an F*^! you to the isolation you were conditioned to accept. So start small. Say hello. Go for coffee. Attend that event. Compliment someone’s shoes. You never know where those tiny opening comments will lead.

Remember: you’re not broken, and you’re not alone. You’re just learning a skill you were never allowed to practise and every step, no matter how small, is progress.

At the very least, it’ll be an experience.

Join Groups Built Around Shared Interests

When you’re ready for more structured social opportunities, joining hobby or interest-based groups is one of the best ways to meet like-minded people without forced conversation. I used a website called Meetup.com which worked wonders for me when I knew absolutely no-one in the real world. I joined a Meetup group made up of expats who had recently moved to the UK, didn’t know anybody and wished to make friends (could a group have been any more perfect?!!). It was perfect, because every single person there was also starting from scratch, everyone felt a little anxious, so there was a natural sense of understanding. By simply showing up and saying hello, I found people were genuinely relieved that someone else was breaking the ice. So check out Meetup.com. On there you can find groups that meet to walk dogs, play board games, paint, read, hike, learn languages, or simply just to socialise. People who attend are in the same situation looking to make friends, and maybe a little bit nervous, you’re not the odd one out. Everyone there wants to connect.

Dealing with Setbacks and Rejection

Here’s something important to keep in mind for, though: not every attempt to connect will work. Some people won’t click with you, others might flake out, or seem friendly one day and distant the next. That’s not a reflection of your worth, it’s just part of how social life works. For former Witnesses, rejection can feel particularly painful because it echoes the trauma of shunning, but remember: most people in the real world aren’t rejecting you as a person, they’re just busy, distracted, or different in personality. They have their own things going on, which is none of our concern. The best response is to keep putting yourself out there, stay positive, and keep trying. If you feel discouraged, remind yourself that you’re learning, you’re starting from scratch. Every awkward moment, every let down, is a rep in the gym for your social muscle.

Before you can truly connect with others, you have to start rebuilding your friendship with yourself. Leaving the Witnesses often leaves deep wounds; shame, guilt, low self-esteem, self-doubt. You may feel like you don’t belong anywhere, or that there’s something “off” about you, maybe feel that you’re a bit wierd. That inner critic can sabotage your attempts to connect, whispering that people won’t like you, or that you’re not interesting enough.

Leaving the Jehovah’s Witness organisation is one of the most liberating — and at the same time, one of the most isolating — experiences a person can go through. Overnight, many of us go from being surrounded by “brothers and sisters” to being completely alone.

But even when the initial grief begins to ease, there’s a deeper, more subtle challenge that starts to show itself: the simple act of making friends.

If you were raised in the religion, chances are you never really had to learn how to make friends in the real world. Your social life was regimented and sheltered compared to those in the real world. Assigned congregation groups, field service arrangements, “get-togethers”, and the endless cycle of meetings, assemblies and conventions. Most social contact revolved around the the religion, so when you step out of that world, it can feel like you’ve landed on a foreign planet where everyone seems to already have their friendship groups figured out, and you’ve got no idea how to start.

This article explores why making friends post-exit can feel so difficult, and how you can begin to rebuild your social world — one small, genuine interaction at a time.